Oldie but Goodie – For cat lovers who’ve been there:

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1.  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA^* to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Author unknown, who has my eternal gratitude for making me laugh as much the 100th time as the first.

Reprinted in The Science of Well-Being by Wallace D. Wattles, 1860-1911, and Dr. Judith Powell

The 12 Warning Signs of Health

Brain/Mind Bulletin, Los Angeles, CA, 1993

1. Persistent presence of support network.
2. Chronic positive expectations; tendency to frame events in a constructive light.
3. Episodic peak experiences.
4. Sense of spiritual involvement.
5. Increased sensitivity.
6. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
7. Rapid response and recovery of adrenaline system due to repeated challenges.
8. Increased appetite for physical activity.
9. Tendency to identify and communicate feelings.
10. Repeated episodes of gratitude, generosity or related emotions.
11. Compulsion to contribute to society.
12. Persistent sense of humor.

If 5 or more of these indicators are present, you may be at risk for full-blown health.

This article has been on my web site since 1998, when I first discovered Wattles’ trilogy, The Science of Getting Rich, The Science of Becoming Excellent and The Science of Well-Being (3 little books that I treasure over my BSBA –  more to come on that in future posts). In my quest to never look, feel or act my age (the latter was never an issue), this list really resonated with me. I figured 5 out of 12 was easily doable – heck, I was already there. Scanning this list today, however, finds me knowing 12 beats 5 and compulsively noting certain words that now seem obsolete in light of what I now know to be not only possible but true. Episodic is not nearly frequent enough; a “sense of” is far short of being or living in and as something; repeated is not as delicious as perpetual; compulsion melts into action if birthed in passion; and “health” is merely an outcome of well-being.

Still, what’s especially masterful about the original list is that without actually using any of the three words, the author connects all the dots that point to body, mind and spirit being inseparable, as they always have been despite our best and continued efforts to segment or separate them.

While focus on one area cannot make up for the neglect of others, without item #4, sense of spiritual involvement, the rest cannot take form. Ultimately, this is Consciousness with a capital C. And a mere sense of spirit, even combined with the best of food, water, exercise, thought, practices, gurus and efforts barely scratches the surface of our innate, untapped, unlimited potential for well-being through greater consciousness, God’s greatest promise that still awaits excavation on a large scale. Tap in to that and the rest of your list might come to fruition effortlessly. Tap in to that and the term “health care” seems even more of a misnomer.

There is no better way to define my tag line, “The Package Deal Approach to Well-Being”, a perspective based on first changing your soil, and no better way to begin my posts.  More to come as we excavate our way to well-being. For now, may this list bring a smile, perhaps incentive to hit “12 for 12″ as I invite you to join me in creating a “greatly at risk for full blown well-being” category. For sure, there’s plenty of room here.

Abundantly & playfully,

Judy